The Amazing Adventures of Captain Troy Barnes
by htbthomas
Summary: ...of the U.S.S. Awesome. Once upon a time, there was a big spaceship and aliens and mercenaries and war and betrayal and romance and karate and credits. The end. Cracky Star Trek-esque parody. Troy & Abed, ensemble.


"Captain, I'm getting a transmission from the alien ship," Lieutenant Chang reported. For the past two hours they had been monitoring an unknown vessel in the vicinity.

Captain Barnes nodded. "Put it onscreen."

The display filled with the visage of a horrific alien being. The creature's skin was completely smooth, and there were strange round protrusions around what looked like eyes. His body was wrapped in some sort of white and black fur-like clothing. Was it battle gear? Captain Barnes couldn't be sure.

Barnes fought to keep a blank face, but his eyelids started to flutter anyway. "This is Captain Barnes of the _U.S.S. Awesome_. Please identify yourself."

The alien moved its head back and forth as if shrugging. "My name is DeeCee of the Peltonian Administration."

"Your purpose?"

"We have come to request transfer of the prisoner you carry aboard your ship."

"Prisoner?" Captain Barnes looked toward their guest in confusion. "What prisoner?"

"I'm no prisoner!" Bennetta cried. Her raven curls whipped back and forth as she shook her head. Captain Barnes found he wanted to… protect her as if she were his mother. "I am fleeing for my life, as I told you!"

Ensign Edison turned in her navigator's chair. "I thought you were fleeing the Greendalites?"

"Yes!" Bennetta stood proudly and pointed at the screen. "I will not return with you!"

Barnes began to rub his temples. "My brain..."

Science Officer Nadir stepped forward. "According to the computer's database, the Peltonian Administration is a political subunit of the Greendalite race."

The Greendalite onscreen cleared his throat. "I _had_ hoped that we could avoid hostilities, but, you know, whatever." The screen went black.

An explosion rocked the ship, spilling everyone from their control chairs. "Status, Lieutenant Perry," Barnes commanded, picking himself up from the floor.

Once back at her station, she checked her screen. "Shields at 50%, Captain."

"Engineering. Can you get us out of here?" Another explosion hit the ship, knocking loose a couple of panels on the other side of the bridge, but the crew remained seated. "Hawthorne, report!"

A voice crackled through the comm system. "Sorry, Captain, I was, uh... working on the reactor core."

"More like _napping_," Chang commented.

Hawthorne ignored him - or didn't hear - and continued. "I just need a little more time, and I think I can increase the warp drive capacity."

The ship rumbled, and everyone checked their controls in panic. "Captain," Edison said, her voice rising with worry, "I think they've locked a tractor beam on us."

"You'd better hurry, Hawthorne!"

The doors to the bridge slid open with a pained whine - they must have been damaged in the attack. Doctor Winger came striding in. "What the _hell_ is going on, Troy?"

"The Greendalites are attacking the ship in order to procure Bennetta's release," Nadir answered.

"All this-" Winger threw a disbelieving glance over toward their guest. "—over _her_?"

Bennetta's voice dropped dangerously low. "What do you mean by that?" She rose regally from her seat, and walked slowly toward him, never wavering, despite the rocking of the ship. "You think I wouldn't have _empires_ trembling over the thought of losing me?"

The closer she came, the more Winger's expression turned from disgust to desire. Bennetta had already worked her wiles on Captain Barnes, and now Doctor Winger was powerless against her.

She trailed a finger down the center of his chest, purring, "I'm worth saving, Doctor. Otherwise, how would we ever get the chance to really..." She leaned in close to whisper, "...talk."

He closed his eyes and breathed out, "Only if it's about other people."

"Whatever you want, sweetie." She kissed his cheek delicately.

Nadir could see what was happening. Captain Barnes was frozen in place, and now she was working on the doctor. How soon before she had the entire crew in her thrall? "Just a minute, Bennetta. What is your _real_ purpose for being aboard? I am sensing this is more than just a rescue mission."

"Of course that's all it is, silly." She left the doctor drooling in her wake and began her hypnotic walk toward the science officer next.

He stopped her with an outstretched hand. "Your tricks will not work on me. I am immune to emotional ploys."

She stopped, her lips twisting in disappointment. "Oh, well. I never liked Arapolcans anyway." She pulled a hidden phaser pistol from her flowing robes and pointed it between Nadir's forehead ridges.

Nadir, quicker than the human eye, spin-kicked the pistol from her hand.

"Oh!" Bennetta rubbed at her hand with a frown. "That's not nice!"

"Arapolcans are all trained in self-defense from an early age." Nadir advanced upon her; she took a step back.

Helmsman Perry was suddenly up out of her chair as well. "Hold it, Nadir!" She whipped a phaser out of her uniform jacket and held it with steady aim. "Don't take another step, or you'll be on the floor."

"Damn, this is getting gooooood," Chang said from behind Nadir.

Nadir ignored Chang and tilted his head toward the lieutenant. "Et tu, Britta?"

"You got it. Now step away."

As he complied, he said, "I should have known she already had you spellbound. It was too easy for the Greendalites to find us."

"Spellbound? No way. I was hired to help her take over this ship and deliver it to the Greendalites. I'm only in it for the payout." She gave Bennetta a wild-eyed look. "Just think how many Starburned Sneetches I can save!"

"You can save any endangered species you want, as long as you help us, dear."

"Then all right." In a flash, she had another pistol out, and she leveled it at Edison and Chang who were still unaffected by the spell.

"You can't do this!" Edison protested, hands in the air.

With the gun on him, Chang quickly changed his tune. "Yeah, this is low, even for _you._"

"I can do whatever I want." Britta stepped over a fallen panel, ever watchful for a counterattack. "And I think we'd all be better off if the Arapolcan were out of the picture."

Seeing his science officer in danger snapped Captain Barnes out of his trance. He leapt out of his chair, tackling Perry around the waist. Her weapons went flying. Chang scrambled after one, and Nadir plucked the other out of the air.

"Captain!" Hawthorne's voice came over the comm system. "I tinkered with the warp drive, and I think I've got it..."

"Well, then..." Barnes said from the floor, still trying to restrain a kicking Lieutenant Perry. "Do it!"

The _U.S.S. Awesome_ jerked forward, out of the alien ship's grasp. Within moments, they were light years away from their enemy.

Everyone relaxed, except Barnes. "Chang, Edison," he ordered, pointing to Bennetta and Perry. "Take these traitors to the brig."

"Yes, sir!" they shouted in unison, though Chang was less enthusiastic.

Doctor Winger blinked rapidly as he came out of his stupor. "Wha-what happened?"

"Bennetta put you under her spell. Perry was a traitor. They were trying to take over the ship and give us to the Greendalites. We overpowered them. Hawthorne tinkered with the warp drive and we escaped," Nadir answered.

"Oh," Winger said, then looked down. "Dammit! There's a tear in my uniform!" He stalked back to sick bay, grumbling.

"Oh and Captain Barnes?" Nadir walked up to his captain, his friend, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Troy?"

"What, Officer Nadir?" Barnes looked into the science officer's enigmatic alien eyes. "Abed?"

"You were the real hero. Thank you for saving me."

"Any time, man." Barnes wrapped him in a manly hug. "Any time."

And as the stars blazed past, the _U.S.S. Awesome_ continued on its journey, seeking new signs of awesomeness in the galaxy. Roll credits.

~o~o~o~

"The End." Abed closed his laptop and set it on Troy's bedside table, next to the cough syrup.

"Mmm," Troy said groggily, snuggling farther into the covers. "I liked the awesome parts."

"Which ones?"

Troy closed his eyes. "All of it," he said, and was immediately asleep. His breathing seemed much less labored than earlier that day.

Abed quietly switched off the lamp, and crept to the door. "Get well soon," he said, and slipped out.

_The End._


End file.
